My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
