Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
