a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
