Do you still have your period?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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