Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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