Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
