JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Randomize
