i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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