He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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