The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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