I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
