Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
