And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
no you cant smoke seaweed
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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