So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
