guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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