Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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