My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
