She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
