I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
