So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
MIDGETS
????
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
