is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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