I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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