Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
