see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
