This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
