Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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