Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
