Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
MIDGETS
????
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
