i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
