Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
