i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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