My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize