i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize