you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
