i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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