Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All I want is dick and wine.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
