my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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