Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
