matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
what day is it and did you see me today?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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