she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
