he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
