if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
