Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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