Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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