He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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