i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
