oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
