i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
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you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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