I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
