I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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