Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
