I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dating After Heartbreak
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.