Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.