So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.