she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
