Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
