I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
