just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
