guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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