Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
