I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
