billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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