thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
