Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
