just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Randomize
