i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
